Beauty in Battle: Jason and Tori Benham
Wondering how to lean into struggles rather than avoiding them? Authors Jason and Tori Benham tell how they found beauty in battle, turning real conflict and into passion and purpose.
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Wondering how to lean into struggles rather than avoiding? Authors Jason and Tori Benham tell how they recovered beauty and purpose in everyday battles.
Beauty in Battle: Jason and Tori Benham
Beauty in Battle: Jason and Tori Benham
Jason: Man and woman in marriage, we are the warring mechanism that keeps Satan in his defeated state. This isn’t about, “Hey, God just wants you all to get along in your marriages so that you can reflect His image.” Yes, but your marriage needs to stay together, and you need to fight together, because you are the answer to Satan trying to overthrow the throne of God.
Ann: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.
Dave: And I’m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife® app.
Ann: This is FamilyLife®Today!
Dave: Okay, here’s a question for you: what do you think the number one thing married couples underestimate, that’s going to happen in their marriage?
Ann: That it will be hard.
Dave: Yes; anything else?
Ann: Oh, that’s not right?
Dave: Well, no, no! There’s no right or wrong, but I wonder, is that the first thing that came to your mind? That’s me, too.
Ann: Yes. That’s what you would say?
Dave: But I just read a book, and we’ve got the authors in the studio—
Ann: So, now your answer’s different?
Dave: Well, I mean, they reminded me of something that I want to ask them about. It’s the spiritual battle.
Ann: So, you’re saying that we underestimate the spiritual battle that’s going on in our marriages?
Dave: I think every couple does.
Ann: Yes; me, too.
Dave: Including us! And we teach this stuff. [Laughter]
I mean, honestly, we—at the Weekend to Remember® with FamilyLife, for anybody who’s been to the Weekend to Remember, one of the big ideas of the weekend is: there is an enemy of your marriage, and it’s not your spouse. So, we teach this, but you forget!
And we’ve got the Benhams in the studio! Jason and Tori wrote a book called Beauty in Battle. Even when I read the title, guys, I didn’t know it was about the spiritual battle; but it is, right? Welcome to FamilyLife!
Jason: Hey, thanks for having us.
Tori: Thank you!
Dave: As you think about the beauty in the battle—again, when I read that, here’s what I thought: you are talking about conflict, which you do.
Jason: Oh, yes.
Tori: Yes, yes.
Dave: And you have—man, your content on conflict is rich stuff! Here’s your subtitle: Winning in Marriage by Waging a War. Now, that is something couples don’t understand.
Dave: Explain what you mean by “waging a war?”
Ann: Well, wait! Tell us first: what do you guys do? Why are you passionate about this?
Jason: Well, we’re entrepreneurs and business owners, and we’re both passionate about marriage. We’ve always been passionate about it; but what we discovered was exactly what you were talking about at the beginning, Dave, where you said that people underestimate the spiritual battle that goes on.
Jason: You know, what they really don’t understand is that [with the] first marriage that was created—that God created—between Adam and Eve, there was a wedding crasher!
Jason: He was there! And he wanted to turn into a wedding smasher. And he knew exactly how to do it; to get them operating independently of each other.
Dave: Well, I mean, think about that scenario, with Adam and Eve in the garden, lived out in every home. Is that what you’re saying?
Jason: Yes! And so, we have to recognize the very fight that we experience in our relationship, God made us for it! The first sin was not when Eve and Adam ate the fruit. It was when Lucifer in heaven wanted God’s throne. So, God kicks him out of heaven. Well, where did He put him?
Dave: Planet Earth.
Ann: On the earth.
Jason: Then God creates someone lesser than the angels, in His own image, and where does He put him?
Jason: The same spot He just put His banished foe.
Ann: I hadn’t really thought of that before!
Jason: So, here’s a question for you, Ann. What would be worse: if I kicked your husband’s butt right here in the studio? [Laughter] Or if I brought my 12-year-old daughter, Lundy, who’s with us—I brought her—in here, and had her do it?
Ann: That would be worse.
Jason: That would be worse, okay? So, what God did when He created Adam was, He was like, “I don’t want to just defeat Satan. I want to humiliate him in the defeat. So, I’m going to make somebody less than Me and less than him, in my own image, and I’m going to put him on the earth. He’s the one who’s going to overtake Satan. So, not only will Satan be defeated once and for all, and ultimately destroyed, but he’ll be humiliated in the process. Now, that was Plan A.
Jason: Because we know the First Adam messed it up.
Jason: So, the Second Adam, Jesus, had to come fix up what the First Adam messed up. But God knew that, when He gave Adam authority over the Garden and dominion over the earth—He knew—that Satan was on the earth and wanted that authority. So, He had to outfit him for the battle. How did He do it? He gave him a bride. He introduced marriage. Why? Because marriage is the most organic form of church, and Satan wages war against the Church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against the Church.
So, God created a warring mechanism to defeat Satan! And when we enter that battle, what happens is, the same fight that once tore us apart—those conflicts that we face every day; when we learn to fight shoulder-to-shoulder against the real enemy, and no longer face-to-face against our spouse, fighting together draws us together. That’s why we wrote the book!
Ann: How did you guys discover that? Like, for you, Tori, was there a day where you thought, or where you guys talked about, this concept before you got married or newly married?
Tori: Yes. Well, you guys asked how we got into this. Really, when Jason and I were dating, he was playing professional baseball, and in the off-season, you know, he’s an activator. He was like, “I’ve got too much time on my hands!” We were learning about marriage. We were reading a ton of marriage books together. He’s like, “You know what? I’m going to kill two birds with one stone. I’m going to go get my Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family.”
So, as he was getting his degree, he’s sharing all the notes with me; he’s calling me, telling me all of these things. “This is awesome! We’re going to have the edge! When we get married, we’re going to know so much!” [Laughter]
Well, you know, it’s so much easier on paper, and it was so hard those first couple years; but what that Marriage degree did is, it brought a ton of young couples into our home, because they heard that Jason had this degree. So, it wasn’t the degree that helped us, it was the couples who were coming in and asking us for help that really got our focus on marriage! Like, “Wait, we struggle the same way. We have the same exact conflicts. We’re all so much alike!”
And we began to—our focus became on, “What are we doing? How are we going to fight this thing the right way?” And then, there was a moment for us—an “aha” moment for us—where we really saw the battle for what it was, and it was—Jason and I do Crossfit; we’ve been doing it for years and years. Jason and I were doing Crossfit, and typically during the week, you work as an individual. So, you look at the workout, and you’re trying to get to the top of the board. But then, on Saturdays, it’s team-wide Saturdays. And we love team-wide Saturdays, because Jason played sports, and I played sports, and we love working as a team.
The first two Saturdays, Jason and I were put on the same team. So, we get in there, and we win the workout. We were kind of shocked, but we figured out a way to strategize, and we won. So, here we are. We won together two weeks in a row. We come back the next Saturday, and we find ourselves thinking, “I hope he puts us on the same team again, because we can do this! We can figure this thing out.” So, he calls out “Jason and Tori,” and I’m like, “Yes! We’re going to win this again!”
And Jason’s like yelling at me across the room. [Laughter] It was way too intense!
Jason: It was fun!
Tori: There was no offense. I was not offended by the way he was talking to me, because I knew he was in it to win it; I was in it to win it. So, we were on the same page. And he’s yelling at me, and I’m yelling at him. We have a difference in opinion on how we’re doing it, but we just plow through, and we win the workout. At the end of the workout, we were fist-bumping, like, “That was amazing!”
We get in the car, and I was like, “Isn’t it funny--?” My wheels are starting to turn, and I think this was the beginning of the Lord changing our paradigm. I was like, “What is it about Crossfit that you and I can talk to each other like that, with such intensity, and I never get offended? You never get offended with me. We’re like united! What do you think it is? If you talked to me like that at home, you’d be in the doghouse!”
Ann: If he talked to you like that; with that intensity?
Tori: Exactly, yes! I would be so offended. And I remember Jason just kind of paused, and before we pulled into the driveway, it was like, “Yes, it just makes sense. We’re strategizing our strengths and weaknesses. We know that we have the same goal. We know that we can win. We’ve won before. We just strategize our strengths and weaknesses, and we know that we can do it again. For us to get offended in the middle of that would just be stupid.”
Just a few moments later, we walked into our house, where we have four kids—little mini-Jasons and Toris, which is a dynamic for sure!
Jason: Lucky kids! [Laughter]
Tori: And they were fighting. Jason started dealing with the situation, and I did not like the way that he was talking to my kids. So, Jason and I ended up face-to-face, going at it! And we go into the master bedroom, because we were trying to get away from our kids; and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I said, “Babe! We just talked about this! We literally just talked about it! We know how to win in Crossfit, but we don’t know how to win at home! There’s a big problem here!”
I remember that, in a moment, he switched! I was like, “You’re not my enemy! You are not my enemy!” And I remember Jason was like, “You’re not my enemy. We’re going to figure this thing out.” From that moment on, it was like everything changed when our perspective changed. His dad always says, “How you see the battle determines how you fight the battle.” From that day on, we began to fight differently.
Jason: And do you know what we discovered? The beauty of marriage is discovered when couples choose to no longer fight against each other face-to-face in a personal war, but alongside one another in a spiritual battle.
What’s our ultimate goal? Our ultimate goal is for the hearts and souls of our kids. We want them to grow up to love Jesus. We want them to have a great, thriving relationship. Well, Satan doesn’t want that! He knows that if we fight shoulder-to-shoulder against him, we can get those things.
Jason: But if we fight face-to-face, then we operate independently of one another.
Dave: It’s like we’re in this foxhole, and there’s the enemy.
Dave: Right? Satan is just sort of laughing, because the two in the foxhole have their guns pointed at each other, and he’s like, “They don’t even realize I’m out here!”
Tori: Yes, right!
Ann: And they don’t realize how powerful they are together.
Ann: I think couples are listening, thinking, “I want that!”
Ann: “We definitely want that, but it’s so hard when I see my husband (dot, dot, dot) or my wife (dot, dot, dot).”
Dave: But, I mean, what you said: I think it starts with new eyes.
Tori: Yes, it’s a mindset.
Dave: Which is one of your chapters: I’ve got to understand there’s a spiritual battle.
Dave: When we teach this at the Weekend to Remember, I’ll say, “Turn to your spouse and say, ‘You’re not my enemy.’” And there are, at every conference, whether there are 500 people or 2,000, people looking at me like this: [crossing arms].
Ann: They’ll cross their arms.
Dave: Arms folded!
Jason: Oh, that’s tough.
Dave: They’re not going to do it.
Dave: Because they’re like, “You don’t understand! In our marriage, she is (or he is)!”
Tori: Yes, yes.
Dave: “I’m not going to do it.” And then, there are others who are like, “Oh, my goodness, that’s a whole--!”
We went to the Weekend to Remember that we’ve now spoken at for 30 years as an engaged couple.
Tori: Wow! Wow.
Jason: That’s awesome!
Dave: Long story short, they taught this. First time I’d ever heard there’s a spiritual battle.
Dave: Marriage is at the 50-yard line of a war between Satan and God.
Jason: That’s right.
Dave: And that’s why your marriage is so critical!
Dave: Because if a married husband and wife understand what they’re doing—
Dave: —they’re going to enter that battle and make damage.
Dave: But if he can split us, he says to the world, “Christ doesn’t make any difference!”
Jason: That’s right.
Dave: So, you guys, was that like a revelation and everything was just good?
Jason: Oh, yes.
Tori: I think for us, it was having a winning mindset. Like, in Crossfit, the more we won, the more enticing it was to come back; because it gives you hope. It’s like, “We did it before. I think we can do it again!” And for us, it was like, “We just need more wins. We just need to get a couple wins under our belt to know that there’s hope that we can do this.” And I think that was the beginning. That was a win for us, that we shifted positions from fighting face-to-face to fighting shoulder-to-shoulder, and then the next time, it was like, “We did it before. Let’s do it again.”
Tori: And it was trying to get some wins under our belt.
Jason: And how you see determines how you behave. How you see yourself determines how you conduct yourself, and how you see others determines how you treat others.
Ann: Yes; how you’re thinking about your spouse.
Jason: Yes. The warfare for your soul takes place on the battleground of your mind.
Jason: You have to change your mind’s eye. Once you change that, everything else changes.
Dave: So, how do you change it?
Jason: Well, it starts with getting in touch with the God who created your eyes in the first place. So, there’s a story—have you ever read Seven Habits of Highly Effective People?
Dave: Oh, yes!
Jason: Okay. So many people have read that book, but he tells a story of how he was on a subway train—
Jason: Mr. Covey was—and he’s reading this Wall Street Journal; he’s busy; he’s going to the next thing. And this dad gets on to the subway car with three of his kids. They start misbehaving, and then he’s just sick of it. He slams down his paper. He’s like, “Hey! Don’t you think you can get control of your kids?! You know, they’re bothering everybody!”
He said, “This man looks up with tears in his eyes, and says, ‘I’m really sorry about that. They don’t know exactly how to behave right now. To be honest, I don’t either. We just came from the hospital, where their mother died, and we don’t know what to do.” Stephen Covey said, “In that moment, he went from this agitated passenger, to this grieving father.” Like, “Here’s this grieving father, and I want to grieve with him!” Instantly, he said, “How can I help?” You see, nothing about the situation had changed; but now, everything was different.
Dave: Yes, new eyes.
Jason: So, my dad was a pastor in Dallas, Texas, and for Christmas one year, one of his members gave him this 3-D Random Dot Stereogram. You guys know what those are. They’re the picture things that have a bunch of dots. So, she gave him this framed picture, 8 1/2x11 or whatever, and it’s just dots.
Every week, she would say, “Flip!” (His name is Flip.) “Pastor Flip, did you see the picture?” And he’s like, “No, you know, I didn’t see it.” And then, before he went into preach this one week, he said, “I just decided, ‘I’m going to sit down and I’m going to see this thing.’” Then, he just relaxed his eyes, and boom! Out of the middle of nowhere, it was Calvary. It was three crosses on a hill.
He said, from that day forward, every time he looked at that picture, he saw the crosses. He could never unsee it.
Jason: But it took time for him to relax to look at it and go into it. But he was able to see through the dots. You see, what Tori and I did with our book was, we opened up the spiritual battle and let you see what’s happening. Even, Ann, at the beginning, when I said, “Where did God put Satan?” He put him on the earth. “Well, where did He put Adam?” On the earth!
And we don’t know that God gave Adam a heads-up that there was an enemy there that wanted the authority that he had. Just knowing that God put them in the exact same spot tells us He made us for a fight. And how did He outfit Adam for the battle? He gave him a woman! He gave him a bride! Man and woman in marriage, we are the warring mechanism that keeps Satan in his defeated state. This isn’t about, “Hey, God just wants you all to get along in your marriages so that you can reflect His image.” Yes, but your marriage needs to stay together, and you need to fight together, because you are the answer to Satan trying to overthrow the throne of God.
How did Jesus come into the world? He had a mom and a dad! Obviously, His heavenly Father was the ultimate Father, but we see Jesus coming in as the Second Adam. So, when we recognize the spiritual battle like that, and you see it like that, here’s the beauty: you can never unsee it.
In the same way that Tori and I did—we’re fighting against each other right after Crossfit, but we had seen it in that moment! And she said, “We bit the bait! We did it! Jason, you’re not my enemy!” I’m like, “You’re my ene—! Oh, wait.” [Laughter] “You’re right, Tori!”
Dave: “You’re not!”
Jason: You know, when it really takes off, and it’s like marriage on steroids, is when you start using this with your kids.
Ann: What do you mean? What’s that look like?
Jason: Tori’s got a story about how [she] did it with our daughter, Allie.
Tori: Oh, yes. You were asking—there are so many times where it’s so hard to make that shift.
Tori: Emotions are high, and it is not easy.
Dave: Yes; sometimes, you don’t want to!
Tori: You don’t want to. [Laughter]
Dave: It’s like, “I’d rather just fight with you! I know this is—”
Dave: It’s just—
Tori: “You’re right here!”
Dave: You’ve got to have a will to say, “Okay, I’ve got to submit,” right?
Tori: Yes, yes. We’re always looking for a target.
Jason: Yes; and in that moment, when you just want to fight, Tori teaches women this all the time: you have to ask yourself what you ultimately want. Think about not what you want in the moment, but what do you ultimately want?
Dave: Yes, right.
Jason: What you ultimately want is a great marriage.
Ann: You may win the battle, but you haven’t won the war.
Tori: Yes, yes; exactly.
Jason: I like that, Ann.
Ann: I do, too.
Jason: Ann, that’s good!
Dave: I like her, too.
Jason: So, Tori, jump into your story.
Tori: Well, with my daughter, Allie—she’s now 18, but she was twelve years old, and I was homeschooling her. It was just the most challenging season of my life. Jason was traveling all the time, and Allie and I were just going head-to-head all the time. One particular afternoon, she and I were fighting, and I couldn’t get her to listen about all her schoolwork. I was clearly her enemy, and she had become mine.
She was being disrespectful, so I said, “Get up to your room. I don’t even know what to do with you. Just go to your room!” So, she storms up to her room like a herd of elephants, and I find myself just like crushing goldfish, stress eating. [Laughter] I have no idea what to do! And I cry out to the Holy Spirit: “You’re supposed to be the Helper, so I need your help!” I just remember sitting there, and the Holy Spirit said, “She’s not your enemy. You’ve made her your enemy. She’s not your enemy.”
And I remember, as mad as I was at Allie, I got mad at the enemy; the real enemy! And I stormed up those stairs like Allie had just stormed up the stairs, and I said, “You’re not my enemy, Allie! We have bitten the bait! I am so sorry that I’ve made you my enemy. I think that you’ve made me yours.” I said, “We’re doing this all wrong!” And I began to explain the spiritual battle. She was a strong-willed, hormonal, twelve-year-old girl, and I was like, “She’s not going to—she’s going to say, ‘Mom, you’re crazy!’”
But she didn’t. She shifted! Hot tears came down her face, and she showed me that if a twelve-year-old, hormonal adolescent could shift positions like that, then I could do it, too. It’s like there were so many times when Jason says, “You’re not my enemy,” and I’m like, “You’re mine!” [Laughter]
Ann: You’re saying, as a family, this is something you talk about.
Jason: That’s right.
Ann: And what that could even look like, being one way and then being the other way.
Ann: That would be an interesting discussion, wouldn’t it?
Jason: Yes. It’s also interesting, Jesus goes to His disciples, and He says, “Hey, I’m sending you out as sheep among wolves.”
Jason: What does that tell you? That tells you that, first, if you’re sheep among sheep, you’re going to end up stupid. Second, we’ve got to get you out into where the wolves are, and the wolves want to take you down. So when we recognize this battle—this spiritual battle—and how it draws us together in our relationship together, we’ve also started to teach our kids that. And now, their eyes have been opened.
Jason: But, you know, here’s what’s so beautiful about this: when you choose to fight this battle together, it draws you together, because fighting together draws you together. You guys remember where you were on 9/11/2001?
Dave: Oh, yes!
Jason: You guys remember where you were?
Jason: You know, Tori and I had been married for nine months at that point, and I remember seeing on live TV, people jumping out of the buildings when the hijackers crashed into the World Trade Center. And it’s the only time when I’ve watched the news and, literally, I had tears streaming down my face. But you know what was interesting about that? Having been married for nine months at that point, it wasn’t the images of the people dying and going through all of that stuff that set into my mind so much. It was what happened in two or three weeks after that, when you saw every American drop their differences.
Jason: You had Republicans and Democrats, you know; we had Senators that hated each other standing on the steps of the Capitol, singing God, Bless America. You had entire sports leagues where the teams, before the game, would lock arm-in-arm. Before a game! I mean, this never happens!
What happened in that moment was, our eyes were opened to the fact that we were in a fight. At that point, none of us had really ever heard the name Osama bin Laden.
Jason: But now, we realized we have an enemy, and he’s out there. He’s not in here. Now, he’s coming in here, and we have to stick together. It was that camaraderie that we all had. That’s the principle! That’s the principle that God has made. That’s why He sends you out as sheep among wolves; because He knows that when sheep get among wolves, when you open your eyes to the battle, the sheep draw close together. And then we realize there’s a lion in the sheep, you know? And that lion will overtake any wolf that comes!
And God has given every believer that heart of a warrior! You just have to open your eyes to the battle, and when you do, you’ll draw closer to your spouse than you’ve ever drawn before.
Ann: So, as we close, what is our application? You said, “Open your eyes.” How do we do that? What’s that look like?
Jason: Well, it’s recognizing that you are in this spiritual battle. So, opening your eyes—and this is what we challenge couples to do: get on your knees tonight before you go to bed or early the next morning, hold hands together, and ask God, “God, what are you trying to tell me about the battle?” And then, just start paying attention to ways that Satan will use conflict in your marriage to tear you apart. Then, recognize how God takes that same conflict to draw you together.
I’ll give you an example: Tori makes these incredible Ranger cookies. They’re like healthy chocolate chip cookies. She takes all the ingredients, she puts it on the table; you’ve got flour, you’ve got sugar, you’ve got eggs. You’ve got all sorts of stuff. I would never take a spoonful of flour and eat it, right? I would never take a spoonful of sugar. What do you have to do? You have to take all of those individual ingredients, and put them together into a bowl and blend them together, and put them into conflict; and they become something better together on the other side of that bowl of conflict, right?
Jason: It nourishes people.
Ann: Tastes good.
Jason: This bowl of conflict is earth! He puts husbands and wives on earth, and then He mixes us together. That’s what conflict is. Conflict is meant for connection. It’s the opportunity to turn “me” into “we.” So, if we embrace conflict, and we don’t run from it, opening our eyes to recognizing, “God put us here. We’re experiencing this conflict so that we can be stronger on the other side, that’s how we open our eyes to it. That’s how we can draw closer in the battle.
Dave: Yes. Jason, when you’re saying that, I was like seeing a drone up above planet earth. I literally had this thought: “Wouldn’t it be so cool to see all these couples tonight, because they listened to what you just said, grabbing each other’s hand?”
Dave: Maybe they’ve never done this, or maybe they haven’t done it in ten years. [What if they] got on their knees and said, “Okay, Jesus, we need Your eyes. We need You. We’re going to pray together as a couple.” Maybe she can’t pray; maybe he can’t pray, but you still do it together. I just saw this drone, like, “What would happen if that were taking place in homes?”
That would be a beautiful thing!
Ann: Or even a single mom, grabbing the hands of her kids?
Jason: Oh, I love that!
Ann: That can understand this, you know? “Hey, we’re in this together!”
Ann: “We’re going to fight the battle together.”
Tori: So good!
Jason: Fighting together draws you together.
Shelby: You’re listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Jason and Tori Benham on FamilyLife Today. Their book is called Beauty in Battle: Winning in Marriage by Waging a War. You can pick up a copy at FamilyLifeToday.com and help your marriage to thrive.
You know, we want our marriages to thrive. We really do in our heart of hearts. And that’s one of the reasons that FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® getaway exists. What if I told you that the foundation of your marriage wasn’t all on you to figure out? God has laid it out completely, but sometimes, we don’t know how to give our marriages the attention they deserve.
Well, whether you stay close to home or jet off somewhere new, Weekend to Remember is happening all over the country. Why don’t you take three days and let your focus be on each other? There’s no need to wait any longer to make change for the better. Take a weekend with your spouse and learn about what the true meaning of your marriage is supposed to be.
If you register this week, the two of you can experience this incredible event for over 40% off. You can find out more by going to FamilyLifeToday.com, scrolling down, and clicking on the Weekend to Remember getaway link. Again, that’s FamilyLifeToday.com.
Well, maybe you’re married, and you have come to realize that the spark is just dead. Or is it?! Tomorrow, Dave and Ann are joined again by Jason and Tori Benham to tell the story of revitalizing their marriage and how maybe you can learn from their revitalization.
On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We’ll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.
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